so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
