He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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