R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
A+ Viking dick
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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