i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sober January is a disaster.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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