she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
