I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
