from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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