he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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