if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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