Betty ford says i'm here all night
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
