Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
