I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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