That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
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