His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
