I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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