Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My Sexting was not on an AP level
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
