...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Found your dick twin last night
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
me + whiskey = a bad person
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
