what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
