I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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