Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
