bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
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