i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
