Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
