Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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