Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
