mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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