when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm too high and old for this...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
