It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
