Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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