sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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