my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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