I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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