yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
