Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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