if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Randomize
