Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
