listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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