broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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