can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
