i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize