I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
