i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
