My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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