The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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