Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
