so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Randomize
