actually, I'm a sock model
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
