it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
