i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
