lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
