I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
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