We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
