tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
