You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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