You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
