Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
