Me. At least after what I've been through.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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