Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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